Helping kids ‘feel felt’

Alfred Adler, a founding father of psychology, dedicated much of his life and career to teaching empathy to parents, teachers and therapists.  His goal was to teach how to “see with the eyes of another, hear with the ears of another and feel with the heart of another”.  As an Adlerian psychotherapist, this too is my goal.

This week I was thrilled to watch an award-winning video entitled “Children Full of Life” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=armP8TfS9Is&feature=related) about a Japanese teacher who believes the most important thing to teach his students is empathy.  I was impressed by his approach because it embodies what I teach to parents about how to bring out the best in children.  If you have a child in your life, I highly recommend this video.  It will illustrate the deepest needs of children and how, when these needs and capacities are recognized and nurtured the children not only thrive but they work to their greatest capacity.

Empathy is part of emotional and social intelligence (researched and written about by Daniel Goleman).  We know that when a child is secure in his/her family, the part of the brain responsible for emotional intelligence is more developed.  This segment of the brain (the Orbital Frontal Cortex) is responsible for eight functions of emotional intelligence including emotional regulation, the capacity for empathy and moral discipline.  The most important element of emotional security for an infant, child and adult is to “feel felt” (this term and concept comes from Dr. Daniel Seigel, an eminent neuropsychiatrist whose parenting book “Parenting From the Inside Out” explains the science as well as the parenting techniques to help a child to be secure). Read More…

0 comments

A happy mother’s day means doing less

Happy Mother’s Day

The greatest thing she’d learned over the years is that there’s no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one. - Author Unknown

I want to send blessings to all mothers, grandmothers and women who nurture and educate children - May is our month to celebrate!

As we all know, taking care of children is a most challenging job yet it is fulfilling at a very deep level. Once we have fallen in love with a child, our hearts are no longer our own. We want the very best for our little ones and yet we often feel we fall short somehow of giving them all they need. The gift I would love to give to you on this Mother’s Day is to know you are a “good enough mother”. Read More…

0 comments

Why can’t he see I’m always right?

Dear Susan,

My husband and I so often disagree on things that I wish someone could come in with a video to record our arguments to determine who is right.  Why is it that what seems to clear to me is so unrecognizable to him as the truth of the matter?  Am I crazy?

Dear Crazy,

“What we see with our eyes tells us what we believe not what we see”.

Perceptions are truly deceiving for all of us - otherwise we would all be readily able to see another person’s perspective and there would be no disagreements to be had.  The challenge of being in a relationship is to be willing to see the world from the other person’s perspective.  We all have a different way of seeing the world which we have carefully developed since childhood.

Read More…

0 comments

Make kids own their homework

Dear Susan,

Last column you made mention to homework and how it is not a parent’s responsibility.  I really have no idea what you mean by that because unless I make it happen it does not get done.  Please explain.  HB

Dear HB,

The pattern that you have developed with your children is one where parent takes charge of the child’s work and the child learns that he doesn’t have to.  As parents we tend to believe that our children are not capable of developing the skills of responsibility unless we take charge of their responsibilities - quite a paradox!

In the ideal world we act as nurturers, teachers and consultants for our children.  In the research about how a child learns to be secure it has been found that a child needs to explore, play and problem solve on his/her own, within the world of peers at the appropriate age and within the context of family and school. Read More…

0 comments

Suck it up, parents!

Dear Susan,

I have spent the last 14 years trying to make my children happy by looking after them, protecting them and making sure they had whatever they wanted and needed.  Now I am finding that they are demanding and they have temper tantrums whenever they don’t get what they want and I feel frustrated and exhausted.  How do I change things at this point - everyone, including my husband, says I have spoiled them.

Dear Mom

The number one thing parents want is for their children to be happy.  There are several problems with this desire.

1.  Happiness does not exist as a permanent state  2. Happiness is not about feeling bubbly and light because we have stuff or we have our own way and 3. Parents can’t make their children happy but they can prepare them to make decisions that will create a sense of agency, usefulness and peace in their own lives. Read More…

0 comments

Don’t panic, adapt

Dear Susan,

I am overwhelmed by the number of things that are happening in my life all at once - my kids are growing and one is already finished his first year of university, my job is changing because of a new boss, my mother-in-law is ill and she has been a major support in our lives….the list goes on. It seems we can’t catch a break - how do you slow down the world a bit?
- BN

Dear BN,

My husband has a saying that “life is like a roll of toilet paper - the closer you get to the end, the faster it goes!”. You are listing a number of major life changes and if you have ever seen a Stress Assessment, you would realize that you are scoring very high so you need to be very careful as this makes you very susceptible to illness. Read More…

0 comments

Taking refuge

No letter this week folks, so I thought I would relay a story that could give us some food for thought and comfort.

Last week my husband was having lunch at Molo’s in Wakefield where he was observing a very cute baby and her mother.  The baby was just learning to walk and having a great time until she got frustrated because she couldn’t get something she wanted. She was trying to make this happen and tried to elicit Mom’s help without success so she began to cry.  The mother looked at her with great warmth and said “it is hard when Mamma says no, isn’t it?”  Her response was to raise her little arms to be picked up.  So Mom swept her up and she melted into her with complete abandon as her problems disappeared in the safety of her mother’s arms.

My husband thought, “Isn’t that what we all long for - to be picked up, taken care of and have all of our problems disappear?”  Oh, to be a child again (and to have such a loving mother)!  The good news is that we can have a form of this - it is not too late. Read More…

0 comments

Less Facebook, more face time

Dear Susan,

How can we make our teenagers help out in the house?  They seem to think that we are their servants and that home is a place to play video games and talk to their friends on Facebook.  It is difficult to get them to come to the table for meals and I have no idea when they are doing their homework.  Please, if you have any tips at all we would appreciate them.

- R

Dear R,

You are not alone in your frustrations and concerns. In fact, the problems you describe are pervasive in our culture and ones we all need to address.  The media and technology era is upon us and rapidly growing and changing.  We were not prepared for how it would affect our lives and so it can feel like it is too late to change.

These toys and programs appear to be addictive and very hard to release yourself from (even for adults - are you modeling Blackberry addiction by any chance?). Since the dawn of MSN, Facebook and Twitter our teens have found ways to feel well connected to their peers 24/7.   We have our hands full to restore family connections. Read More…

2 comments

Too stressed to smile

Dear Susan,

I have read a little on how to deal with stress and anxiety - none of it helps me because life never slows down.  There is just never enough time to do some of the things they tell you to do - meditate, journal, yoga and creative activities to name a few.  I feel that life is constantly demanding me to push and work against time to get things done and to meet everyone’s needs.  Consequently I feel rushed, tired and cranky much of the time.  Is there something I am missing?

- Busy

Dear Busy,

I think we are all struggling with your question to some degree as we deal with the demands to produce on one hand and the demands to be zen-like on the other.  It never feels like we are doing it right.

I think one of the keys is to make peace with time.  One way of doing that is to learn to find some joy in whatever we are doing.  For example, when you are running around doing umpteen different things for your family and or work, take a few seconds to remember to be grateful for the people you are looking after.  When my children were young and they would leave all of their school bags and coats in a heap at the front door, before I got upset I would try to imagine what life would be without them and suddenly the mess seemed like more of a gift than a burden. Read More…

1 comment

When is the marriage dead?

Dear Susan

I know they say that having a good marriage is hard work, but how hard does it have to be before deciding your relationship is over?

- Confused

Dear Confused,

If you imagine that love is energy, then you can take a look at it more objectively. So let’s imagine that it is pure, powerful, positive and life-giving energy. If it is not blocked in any way it will have full range of power and perfect pitch - like the best possible sound system for the most beautiful music.

The problem with all of us is that we enter into a love relationship with our humanness and history. This means we have fears, expectations, rules, insecurities and a great deal of false information about relationships that we bring along with us. All of these things block the energy flow of love. Each  person brings hundreds of little energy blockers with them into a relationship.  When we can recognize and minimize these blockers then our relationships can improve. Read More…

0 comments