Suck it up, parents!

Dear Susan,

I have spent the last 14 years trying to make my children happy by looking after them, protecting them and making sure they had whatever they wanted and needed.  Now I am finding that they are demanding and they have temper tantrums whenever they don’t get what they want and I feel frustrated and exhausted.  How do I change things at this point - everyone, including my husband, says I have spoiled them.

Dear Mom

The number one thing parents want is for their children to be happy.  There are several problems with this desire.

1.  Happiness does not exist as a permanent state  2. Happiness is not about feeling bubbly and light because we have stuff or we have our own way and 3. Parents can’t make their children happy but they can prepare them to make decisions that will create a sense of agency, usefulness and peace in their own lives. Read More…

0 comments

Don’t panic, adapt

Dear Susan,

I am overwhelmed by the number of things that are happening in my life all at once - my kids are growing and one is already finished his first year of university, my job is changing because of a new boss, my mother-in-law is ill and she has been a major support in our lives….the list goes on. It seems we can’t catch a break - how do you slow down the world a bit?
- BN

Dear BN,

My husband has a saying that “life is like a roll of toilet paper - the closer you get to the end, the faster it goes!”. You are listing a number of major life changes and if you have ever seen a Stress Assessment, you would realize that you are scoring very high so you need to be very careful as this makes you very susceptible to illness. Read More…

0 comments

Taking refuge

No letter this week folks, so I thought I would relay a story that could give us some food for thought and comfort.

Last week my husband was having lunch at Molo’s in Wakefield where he was observing a very cute baby and her mother.  The baby was just learning to walk and having a great time until she got frustrated because she couldn’t get something she wanted. She was trying to make this happen and tried to elicit Mom’s help without success so she began to cry.  The mother looked at her with great warmth and said “it is hard when Mamma says no, isn’t it?”  Her response was to raise her little arms to be picked up.  So Mom swept her up and she melted into her with complete abandon as her problems disappeared in the safety of her mother’s arms.

My husband thought, “Isn’t that what we all long for - to be picked up, taken care of and have all of our problems disappear?”  Oh, to be a child again (and to have such a loving mother)!  The good news is that we can have a form of this - it is not too late. Read More…

0 comments

Less Facebook, more face time

Dear Susan,

How can we make our teenagers help out in the house?  They seem to think that we are their servants and that home is a place to play video games and talk to their friends on Facebook.  It is difficult to get them to come to the table for meals and I have no idea when they are doing their homework.  Please, if you have any tips at all we would appreciate them.

- R

Dear R,

You are not alone in your frustrations and concerns. In fact, the problems you describe are pervasive in our culture and ones we all need to address.  The media and technology era is upon us and rapidly growing and changing.  We were not prepared for how it would affect our lives and so it can feel like it is too late to change.

These toys and programs appear to be addictive and very hard to release yourself from (even for adults - are you modeling Blackberry addiction by any chance?). Since the dawn of MSN, Facebook and Twitter our teens have found ways to feel well connected to their peers 24/7.   We have our hands full to restore family connections. Read More…

2 comments

Too stressed to smile

Dear Susan,

I have read a little on how to deal with stress and anxiety - none of it helps me because life never slows down.  There is just never enough time to do some of the things they tell you to do - meditate, journal, yoga and creative activities to name a few.  I feel that life is constantly demanding me to push and work against time to get things done and to meet everyone’s needs.  Consequently I feel rushed, tired and cranky much of the time.  Is there something I am missing?

- Busy

Dear Busy,

I think we are all struggling with your question to some degree as we deal with the demands to produce on one hand and the demands to be zen-like on the other.  It never feels like we are doing it right.

I think one of the keys is to make peace with time.  One way of doing that is to learn to find some joy in whatever we are doing.  For example, when you are running around doing umpteen different things for your family and or work, take a few seconds to remember to be grateful for the people you are looking after.  When my children were young and they would leave all of their school bags and coats in a heap at the front door, before I got upset I would try to imagine what life would be without them and suddenly the mess seemed like more of a gift than a burden. Read More…

1 comment

When is the marriage dead?

Dear Susan

I know they say that having a good marriage is hard work, but how hard does it have to be before deciding your relationship is over?

- Confused

Dear Confused,

If you imagine that love is energy, then you can take a look at it more objectively. So let’s imagine that it is pure, powerful, positive and life-giving energy. If it is not blocked in any way it will have full range of power and perfect pitch - like the best possible sound system for the most beautiful music.

The problem with all of us is that we enter into a love relationship with our humanness and history. This means we have fears, expectations, rules, insecurities and a great deal of false information about relationships that we bring along with us. All of these things block the energy flow of love. Each  person brings hundreds of little energy blockers with them into a relationship.  When we can recognize and minimize these blockers then our relationships can improve. Read More…

0 comments

Adapting to the ‘highly sensitive child’

Dear Susan,

I am the mother of five-year-old boy/girl twins. This morning my son’s teacher told me that he had been pushing/punching kids - just  as he passes them in the hall of the school for no good reason, and actually hurting children.

He has stolen things from the school, library and the latest, a drug store (I caught him red handed) - we confront the people he steals from, apologize, punish him with corner time and take things away. He lies and is very sneaky - I am afraid of what he may do if I am not watching him 24/7. Billy was a difficult baby - he wanted to breast feed all the time, his sleeping habits were poor, he can be very unreasonable and difficult, i.e.: once I put his soccer uniform on 12 times until he was finally happy.  Do you have any ideas?

Worried Mom

Dear Mom,

It sounds’ like you may be describing what is known by some psychologists as a ‘highly sensitive child.  Elaine Aron, PhD has been studying the highly sensitive person for years and has written a book about children which may be very helpful to you.  She describes people (about 20 per cent of the population) who are highly sensitive to stimuli and therefore have great difficulty managing life and responding in appropriate ways. Read More…

4 comments

In the fog of a dying parent

Dear Fellow Community Members,

It is my turn to write a letter to you requesting your participation in this column and blog.  We are hoping to offer a service to the community by engaging in discussion about relationships and how to better understand them and thus improve them.  The vision is to create a forum for discussion where we all share our ideas and concerns about our kids, partners, parents, friends, colleagues and so on.  I have information, ideas and experience to draw on and so do you.  I have received a few letters on my blog and I get all excited when this happens, so keep them coming.

This week I thought I would share with you an experience of my own that underlines the importance of clear and careful communication.  Two weeks ago my aging mother was transferred to a nursing home after spending the summer in hospital.  She hated it there because she still had all of her faculties while most others did not.  Last week she suffered a massive stroke and we were told by two doctors she would most likely die in a few days. Read More…

0 comments

Punishment, reward does not work

Dear Susan,

I am a mother of three children under the age of 10 and my husband and I are having trouble finding a way to motivate our children to behave without using a punishment and reward system, but we don’t know what to use instead.  Can you and other readers please give us some suggestions.

Thanks from B

Dear B,

I love this question and let me begin with saying what a delight it is to find parents who want to change from a reward/punishment system of discipline!

In order to develop inner strength, values and self esteem it is important to develop an inner sense of what is right and wrong, what makes a difference in the world and what it means to be a contributing person.  The only way to do that is to be shown how to be motivated from within.  The very act of giving a reward or punishment negates that process because it can only offer an external motivation.

If I am externally motivated to do things or not do things then I will want and need more and more reinforcement from parents, teachers and eventually co-workers and so on as life goes on.  I will not know how to self-regulate or self-motivate. Read More…

2 comments

Can our marriage survive an affair?

Dear Susan,

Does anyone’s marriage ever truly survive an affair?  I am not experiencing this personally but I have two friends that are in the throes of this and I don’t know what to do to help them.  I thought it might be helpful to hear your views and get other people’s ideas as well through your blog.  Curious

Dear Curious,

This happens to be one of the most complex questions because every situation is different, but, the simple answer is yes.  Not only can marriages survive but they can get better and stronger than ever as a result of working hard to overcome the infidelity and rebuild a relationship that becomes secure and intimate. Read More…

0 comments