Dear Susan,

I am a mother of three children under the age of 10 and my husband and I are having trouble finding a way to motivate our children to behave without using a punishment and reward system, but we don’t know what to use instead.  Can you and other readers please give us some suggestions.

Thanks from B

Dear B,

I love this question and let me begin with saying what a delight it is to find parents who want to change from a reward/punishment system of discipline!

In order to develop inner strength, values and self esteem it is important to develop an inner sense of what is right and wrong, what makes a difference in the world and what it means to be a contributing person.  The only way to do that is to be shown how to be motivated from within.  The very act of giving a reward or punishment negates that process because it can only offer an external motivation.

If I am externally motivated to do things or not do things then I will want and need more and more reinforcement from parents, teachers and eventually co-workers and so on as life goes on.  I will not know how to self-regulate or self-motivate.

In one study a group of kindergarten children were rewarded for colouring.  After the experiment was over the children no longer wanted to colour because they were not being paid for it and it felt like work.

Recently my stepdaughter forgot part of her homework at school but she spent the weekend getting her assignment done and looking for someone to give her the format.  No one was willing to help until she found someone who said yes but only if she paid him five dollars!

Punishment is also external.  If I make a decision because it is the best decision given what I know and who I am then punishment can only hurt me if someone deems it a bad decision.  If I make a mistake and someone punishes me for it then I am going to feel bad and will learn not to make the mistake again for fear of punishment, not because I want to learn from my mistake.  Kids are the same.  We are their teachers.  Rewards and punishments do not teach the values we want our children to learn.  They teach a child how to get rewards and avoid punishments.  That is a waste of valuable time.

Parents tend to believe that they have to control their children’s misbehaviour and therefore resort to trying to overpower, threaten, bribe, and yell at them.  You may have noticed that this doesn’t work!

Then how do you help them to build inner motivation?

The answer would be in an eight-week parenting course but here goes:

1.      Build Connection - When our children know we love to spend time with them they learn their innate value.  When a child feels connected to his parents, sibs and relatives then he feels secure and not only able to cooperate but wanting to cooperate!

2.      Teach skills to enhance a sense of capability - When our children trust they can manage and handle situations it feels powerful and develops a strong inner sense of self esteem  When a child feels capable of doing what is developmentally possible and expected of her then she can make meaningful contributions to the family and beyond.

3.      Make sure your children know they count - this helps them to grow those attributes because they want to believe they make a difference - when a child knows that he makes a difference to the people in his world then he develops a strong sense of compassion and ability to share and stand up for what is important and meaningful.

4.      Give your children courage by encouraging them to learn and grow and try life out in the safety of the family.  Don’t pamper them and don’t do things for them that they can do themselves.  Watch them thrive on your trust and belief in them. When a child has courage and an opportunity to test that courage in a safe environment she develops resiliency and inner strength.

Connection, Capability, Counting and Courage - the 4 Cs of building inner strength in all of us. I know this is just a taste of how this all works.  I hope it provides food for thought and that readers will log into my blog to continue the discussion.

Thanks for participating,

Susan

Tagged as: adv, prosser