Dear Susan
My son came home from elementary school today and said he heard his friends
calling Wakefield “Bakefield”. When I asked him about it, he said, “that’s
what all the kids call the village.” When I asked him why, he looked at me
and rolled his eyes and said, “come on, Mom, everyone knows everybody
smokes pot in Wakefield.” He said he even knows some elementary school kids
who do.
I admit, I have heard of “Bakefield” but I have no idea what to say to my
son or how to talk about smoking drugs. He’s in Grade 4! I didn’t plan to
have this talk until junior high.
What do I say? Should I be worried about who he hangs out with, or try to
keep him out of “Bakefield” as long as I can?
-Worried in Edelweiss
Dear Worried Mom,
This is a good example of finding a balance between protecting our kids, informing them and walking with them. To do this we need to 1.Stay out of fear, 2. Know what is going on, 3. Listen to our children and their concerns, 4. Educate without lecturing, 5. Be genuinely interested in their thoughts and ideas and last but not least, 6, Talk with other parents and develop a communal way of handling the problem.
1. As parents we have to stay solid and secure in our role to guide our children. That is a huge challenge given all of the things our children face on a day-to-day basis, like drugs. Your son is asking you questions and letting you in on his concerns – that is your first and most important indicator that your connection is strong and therefore your influence will make a difference in his life. You do not need to fear the externals – just keep working on that strong connection you have and the knowledge that your son trusts in you. We cannot protect our children by shielding them but we can give them tools, skills and information that they can use to protect themselves.
2. Get informed. Find out how much drug use is going on and how big a problem it really is. Find out if any of his friends are using and work with him to make informed choices about his friends. It is hard to forbid him from hanging out with certain people because he can do that behind your back and that breaks your connection. You can, however send him a strong message about your feelings and share all of your information with him.
3. Your son is confused about the drug issues but he knows he is not comfortable. Help him to sort out his feelings. Let him talk about his interest in drugs and the kids that are using. Let him talk about his confusion and his fear. All of his feelings are important and he needs to learn how to voice them in a safe place such as with a parent or adult relative/teacher.
4. Once you know a bit more about the drug scene and his feelings help him to understand what you are learning. Give him specifics about the dangers of drugs and the big picture of how they ruin lives and families and even communities. Let him know that some people have addictions and that they can receive help in Wakefield and that we all care about helping.
5. Ask your son if he has any ideas of what to do about the problem and about the nickname of Bakefield. He may surprise you with creative ways of approaching the problem. Often our children’s wisdom surpasses ours if we have given them full permission to express themselves.
6. This letter makes this a community challenge. Let’s get together to address this. You could talk with parents in your son’s class and I could use this as a forum to invite readers to express their concerns and their ideas about keeping our kids safe and changing the notion that our beautiful, creative, intelligent, artistic and loving community could be a drug town. Please go to the website and my blog site to talk with me and others about this concern.
Thanks for this opportunity to bring this to the attention of our readers. It is exciting to think we can work together to make a difference. Your son may roll his eyes at you but that is only to look and feel cool. He obviously cares about what you think and I congratulate you on that and encourage you to keep that going!
Sincerely,
Susan Prosser
Wakefield resident, mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend, therapist, nurse, educator, concerned citizen, and fellow traveler on the journey of life.
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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Hey Susan, I think this is a great column, but I really don’t think everyone calls Wakefield “Bakefield.”
N
thanks Nikki - you are probably right
I’ve heard the “Bakefield” tag myself, and as a come-from-away, I have found that attitudes toward pot are more relaxed in Wakefield than in other places I’ve lived. I also see fewer “drug” problems, with the exception of more drinking and driving.
Hi Selina, You sound quite relaxed about it all - do you have children and if so are they aware of the situation? As Nikki says, not everyone calls our wonderful village Bakefield but I think it would be nice if we could change that image for the benefit of all. Thanks for your input.
I’ve also seen Wakefield referred to as the “land of arrested development”.
Like the name “Bakefield” I think it refers to a certain segment of the population. I doubt grade fours would be discussing it if it wasn’t already a topic in their homes. Little ears and all that.
good point mudmama - we do have a responsibility to be aware of what our children are picking up from us and from their friends so that we can talk about what it all means and take the opportunity to help them to find respect for all people. Thanks for your comments!
Dear Susan,
My husband and I are the happy parents of two wonderful little girls. We love this stage of our life, and while it is sometimes challenging, it is incredibly rewarding and fulfilling. Finding a good balance between family, work, hobbies, and social life is difficult, but I think we mange well. Our free time is hard come by, so we try to ensure that we make use of it as best we can. However, most of our friends do not have children, and this has had a noticeable effect on our social life. What inevitably happens is that we socialize most with people who also have children - whether or not they are the best fit from a friendship perspective. I feel like I’m in relationships of convenience, and that although it makes life easier, it doesn’t bring the same sense of connection and understanding that I treasured in other friendships. What advice do you have for me?
Dear Madeleine,
You have kindly written two letters and I will respond to this one here and will save my other response for the print format.
I understand the desire to have friendships where there are children to form a sense of community for you children over their years of growing up. Some of my fondest memories from my children’s growing up years are with families where our children had so much fun together. It is wonderful when you can have that experience AND feel a strong connection with the parents like I did. However if we can only have one I would opt for the strong adult connections. Your closest friends may not have children but they can become part of the fabric of your children’s lives and form a powerful presence that will be significant forever. If you and your husband are happy and connected and feel you have meaningful social connections this also filters into your children’s experience and they feel the impact of that in their own lives. Our children do better when we are doing better so enjoy your friends and do not feel guilty. Your children have a lifetime ahead of them for forming friendships with their peers. If you can give them some exposure now that is great but you do not need to sacrifice your own well-being.
Thanks again for your question - hope this helps! Susan